I started this blog because it is an escape for me. I like to write and I can have a witty sense of humor at times. There are times when I just need to see the positives, the funny moments, the goofy times that you think your family is the only family to go through. And to celebrate how hard it is to be a mommy and what a fantastic job we all do at it! Whether you work out of the home, stay home with your kiddos or any other type of mommying you do!

Part of my mommying experience is to be a parent of a child with Autism. All of my children are the lights of my life. All of the have strengths and struggles. Autism has been the roughest struggle of my life.

We knew there was something going on with my 8 year old when he was 15 months old. He had spoken a few words (mama, dada, go) and then he stopped talking. Looking back now, we knew something was going on at 6 months old when he was incapable of tolerating even those dissolvable Gerber Puffs. Long story short, we have had a multitude of services, interventions, IEPs, therapies, psychiatry, etc.

Over the past few months, we knew the medications he was on just were not the right fit. He was still struggling with the inability to regulate his emotions significantly. We decided to take him off all medications to get a baseline so we can get the right medications, instead of continually adding medications/doses to medications that just aren’t the right ones for him. This has been the most challenging part of our lives, ever. We have never felt so out of control or unable to help our son. I am sad to say that I believe he has felt very out of control as well. It devastates me to know that my youngest sees everything, no matter how hard we try to shelter him, and what this is doing to him emotionally.

The saying, “if you meet one child with Autism, you meet ONE child with Autism” is so true. Not all children diagnosed with Autism will have the same rage that ours does. I am hopeful as we continue our journey with therapy, his support team, his IEP and medications, that we can help him control himself so he can be the awesome, funny, independent, smart, talented young man that he is.

I have been open about my son’s diagnosis. There is no reason why not to be. In my opinion, this is just a part of our lives.

I am not open about the struggles we encounter on a daily basis. There are a number of reasons why. I don’t want pity. I don’t want to listen to you tell me what I should do, what I am doing wrong, what helped your Aunt Friedas’ sons’ cousins’ kid. Nor do I want to justify what we, as a family, are choosing to do and why. I don’t want to listen to you not believe me when I say something, downplay what I’m saying because you have not encountered the experience with him. I don’t want the eye rolls that I see you do through the corner of your eyes. I choose to suck up many of the things that people say to me because I don’t want to cause conflict. In all honesty, walk a mile in my shoes. I dare you (what I think about the people who choose to be negative nancies about our life).

Right now, I am a tired working mommy. Exhausted, actually. Sad, scared, worried and often times, defeated. More often than not, my anxiety increases when I reach the front door. What will I walk into today? Inevitably, I know it will be a battle. The battle can be 15 minutes or 3 hours. It can be because I haven’t asked the right question or answered fast enough or maybe because he doesn’t like the food we have in the house or we don’t give him the answer he wants to here.

So many people have “stuff” going on. “Stuff” – that is what I call shit that happens to everyone in life. We experience disabilities, death of loved ones, financial problems, distance from loved ones, illnesses, etc etc etc. Our problems aren’t any worse or better than anyone else’s.

To cope with our “stuff”, I need to take time out from home. I get my nails done. I bake. I go out with girlfriends every so often. I do things that make me smile. I had forgotten that writing makes me smile.

So now you know a bit about me and you know why this blogging experience is important to me. I promise that my posts won’t be emotionally draining. That is not what I want to write about. After a tough weekend, I felt the need to open up about who I am and what has influenced me.

Woohoo! It’s Friday night! What are my exciting plans you ask? My fun begins with stopping off at the grocery store on the way home. I know. I know, you’re jealous. It gets better. When I get home, I start dinner. Don’t fear, I have even more to come. First sibling fight of the night ends in a disaster between siblings. Separated the Dynamic Destructive Duo. Get one out the door for a sleepover while the other one gets some quality time with dad. Chat with a girlfriend while dropping off the youngest 1/2 of the Dynamic Destructive Duo. Come home and deal with an upset second 1/2 of the Dynamic Destructive Duo because he is not at a sleepover. So we are playing a game of “let’s figure out how to appease the kid so mommy can have a break”. So far it’s not working, so mommy has decided to take a break myself. 

This, ladies and gentlemen, is my exciting Friday night.

I really do love this time though. Spending time being “mom” is the best time I spend. There are so many demands placed upon a Working Mommy that it’s hard to figure out how to balance everything. When I get a night where I am Mom, first and foremost, I feel like I am in my element. I enjoy my time spent shuffling kids around, cooking dinner, baking a fun dessert, watching a movie together in bed, even breaking up the Dynamic Destructive Duo from battling each other to the death (j/k).

My best times are spent with my kiddos snuggling, releasing the pressures of the day and breathing in their innocence.

Set alarm for 5:15am. Wake up before alarm goes off. Use potty. Go downstairs. Grateful I set my coffee up the night before because this is not my norm. Watch House Hunters as I work out. Realize it’s an episode from my stomping grounds in So Cal. Think about Toots. It’s the town she lives in now. Miss Toots and My Mason. Think about when they will visit next. Get my coffee. Watch the news for 5 minutes max. Love that the weather person said it’s going to be nice out today. Go back upstairs and get ready. Finish getting ready in record time. Beg my oldest son to put on his shoes. Thank the Hubster for getting the Dynamic Destructive Duo’s lunches ready. Beg my son to get his shoes on. Ask my youngest to put their backpacks in the car. Beg, again, for shoes to be put on. Finally make it to the car in record time- 6:50am (obviously not a long workout, but hey I’m doing it). Toots calls. Talk with Toots and Dynamic Destructive Duo at same time. That was noisy! Drop Dynamic Destructive Duo at before school care. Negotiate screen time for oldest son when it’s against the rules. Call Toots back. Start on my way to work. Today I check Sigalert and it’s clear. No traffic- yay! Stop at Starbucks and get my regular order. Decided to take the regular freeway- not the toll freeway. Wrong idea! Low and behold- traffic! Hang up with Toots because she has to work. Take the exit for the toll freeway. No traffic all the way there! Confirms my thought that I should always just take this freeway. Get to work. Busy as all heck. Try to find a tan shirt for 1/2 of the Dynamic Destructive Duo for a class play tomorrow. Why don’t Michaels or Hobby Lobby have tan shirts?! Ugh! Fail in my mission to get shirt. Leave work. Talk with the Hubster and Dynamic Destructive Duo 10x before meeting them at Home Depot to pick up our new patio set. Ok- maybe an exaggeration, but it felt like a lot of times. They too failed at their attempt to get a tan shirt. Put up half of patio set. Take older half of the Dynamic Destructive Duo with me. He is insistent on getting a “raffle ticket”. Stop by grocery store to get 4 lotto scratchers- 2 for him/2 for his brother. Realize my debit card is at home and I have no cash. Call the Hubster to meet me at the store. If you knew my oldest son, you would know we were for sure not leaving that store. Hubster gets there to save the day. He is annoyed. Try to go home, but my car made it’s way to the liquor store for wine. How’d that happen?! Park to go into store. Son decides he now wants a haircut. How do I deny that since he has a play tomorrow (he is playing Limestone- love it!). Get his haircut. The Hubster changes cars with me after he went home to drop off patio chair in his car. He nicely gets me the wine- ok maybe begrudgingly- but he still does it. He’s my hero! Finish haircut. Go home. Help move patio set to right location. Make dinner for Dynamic Destructive Duo. Of course different dinners. Wash feet of oldest son, as he doesn’t want to ruin hair do, but he has “Croc feet” (you know what I mean- nasty gross black feet from wearing Crocs). Put oldest to bed per his request. Sit down. Still need to eat, but not sure if I want to get up.

Walked in my front door this afternoon from a long day of work. Go about my normal routine… put my keys on the counter, take off my bra, use the bathroom, take off my shoes, pour a cup of wine (yes, a cup, it’s not often I use real glass… have I mentioned I’m a bit clumsy?). I start talking with The Hubster about nothing much (you know just the mind numbing babble so I can feel as though we actually talk, which he ends of putting up with because if not I accuse him of not talking to me). I turn to sit on the couch and something catches my eye over by the garage door. I don’t even recall what I was looking at now because look at what I found…

This… this right here is when you know you are doing something right! The Hubster shared with me that my kids made these this morning. No prompting. No nothing. Just my kids being the kind souls they are. The rocks made my day!

Ohhh… commute time. How I loathe you. My current commute time is approximately 1 hr 15 min each way. This equals 2 ½ hours a day or 12 ½ hours per WEEK just sitting in my car. UGH!

Well, I’m not really just sitting in my car. I do many things during my commute time, as many moms do. How can we not?! This is prime time to “get shit done”!

Each day I get in my car, right before 7am. I take out my phone and check Sigalert. This helps to determine the route I will take the work. I say “help” because frankly, I turn right out of my neighborhood, which takes me down a scenic route, which I love. (You see, we moved to my small town from Los Angeles about 1 ½ years ago and I am still in love with the land and horses and cows that I drive by during this commute, rather than the buildings and traffic and smog from before. PS- I don’t live in the middle of nowhere, I simply have some parts of my drive that are really nice).

Anyway… I start down the 86 and call Toots (my amazingly beautiful daughter). I love our talks in the morning and on the days we can’t talk, I’m awfully lonely. I always stop at Starbucks and order a Venti Decaf Americano with a splash of cream. If it’s cold outside, I get a hot one. If it’s warm, I get an iced one. Sometimes I even get two! Seriously. I wonder if the Starbucks people know both are for me. I know. I know. Your mouth dropped at the horror of my drink being decaf. BUT— ask Toots what I’m like on caffeine. I think I scarred her for life. I accidentally didn’t order decaf a few weeks back, and now my colleagues are scarred too. It’s not a pretty sight!

Ok- so after safely merging back into traffic, I attempt to call someone else if I’m not talking to Toots. Usually my mom. She doesn’t usually answer. Not sure why she’s not up at 6am her time, but whatever… 😉 Then I call my husband. There is no real reason for this call usually. I just like to bother him. He doesn’t often respond when I say something, so I feel like I’m talking to no one, but the fact that the phone is actually connected to a live human being, makes me feel better.

By this time, I am debating whether I should get on the toll freeway or take the side streets until the regular freeway. I don’t actually debate at all. I usually take the toll freeway. I love the drive better. Again, more land and horses and cows. And some really huge funky golf ball looking things by the military bases.

I get off the freeway and start down the last stretch and this is when I have to get my butt in gear. Which means… make up time! I put on my powder, mascara and lip gloss. That’s it. I’m a natural type of girl, but not so natural that I would dare enter my office without makeup at all.

I might have a few moments to daydream in my spare time during my commute. I daydream about winning the lotto. I daydream about things I want to tell people, but would never dare. I daydream about working from home. Mostly, I daydream about not commuting anymore.

A day off! Wow! What am I going to do?! This is what ran through my mind when I planned a day off. You know the steps that you have to take in order ONE day off from work. First step is to find coverage for your position, then submit your request to your boss and then wait… wait… wait some more. Remind your boss your request is sitting in his email and ask that he please approve. Wait some more. FINALLY… he approves it! YES! A day off!

Today was my day off. Husband is at work. Kids are at school. I sat and wondered what I was going to do with my time. I even posted in a Facebook group (because I needed other mommys’ approval to take a day to myself!). What should I do? Laundry needs to be done. Dishes too. Let’s face it, the whole house is a disaster as we just got home from a mini-vacation (which was interesting to say the least and culminated in our hamster being lost when we were gone, but I digress). Do I WANT to clean on my day off?! Heck NO!

What I wanted to do was drop the kids off at school, take a leisurely shower (you read that right, I didn’t even shower before I took the kids to school!), and go shopping. I wanted to walk around Target, Starbucks in hand. I wanted to go to a local antique store, The Barn… the most amazing store EVER! I wanted to order a salad from a little mom/pop place and then sit on my couch, eat, and fantasize about not ever working again (or at least working from home on my own schedule doing something I feel passionate about every day I wake up).

What I did with my day off… well I mixed some responsibility with some fun. Because, of course, as a mom you can’t ever totally take a day off. I dropped the Dynamic Destructive Duo at school, came back home and took a nice long hot shower. I went to Target and even got a Starbucks. I meandered around and bought My Mason (grandson) some more clothes to add to his package to mail. I stopped to get a lemonade for when I finish my Starbucks— WHAT?! Two fun drinks in a day?! I am typically only a coffee and water type gal! Then I thought of my sweet little Dynamic Destructive Duo and went to the cupcake shop. There I bought 4 cupcakes- which will inevitably cause a fight because why would it not?! But I felt good doing something they won’t expect (and it is all about me today, right?!). I found my way to the post office and mailed My Mason the heaviest box of clothes ever (I think I went overboard, but grandmas get to do that- plus tags are on so Toots (my amazingly gorgeous daughter) can return/change sizes). PS- Toots— I hope I see pics of My Mason in all his new clothes. 🙂 Anyway… I am in the post office and need to pee, but I don’t do public bathrooms, and I still have to go to The Barn! So I suck it up and do the potty dance, head to The Barn and wander around the first floor only. I find a replacement charm for my necklace and a tank top. I really want to shop some more, but I really had to pee! So I head on towards home. I daydream on my way up 5th Street about what it would be like if I didn’t have to work each day. Would each day be like today? I breathe in where I live. I love my little town. I didn’t make it to the mom/pop place to get my salad, but I did the potty dance long enough to get a veggie sandwich. When I got home (after I ran to the bathroom… literally), I did start some laundry before I sat down to eat. I texted with the Hubster and put on the tv. I’ll likely clean up some too. Because, after all, I am a mom and moms don’t get full days off.