So today started out as a normal day. Got up, got ready, left for work. Got to work at the school- which is my most favorite day of the week (see I am a therapist and have always worked with at-risk kids, until recently when my career path took me in more of a “desk job”). Tuesdays I get to let my clinical skills run wild and enjoy the job I was born to do. Anywhooo… I left the school with time to get to my annual doctor’s appt. Super fun, yeah?!

I enter the building, which is brand-spanking new. I look at the directory to make sure I am going to the right suite when a gentlemen, whom I assumed worked in the building (at least I hope he worked there!) asked me if I was going to the “gyno doctor”. Well… yes sir I am. Thank you so much for inquiring. *He was actually super nice and was just helping, as he was trying to show another gentleman how to use the directory as it’s a fancy interactive kind*.

So I make my way to the doctors’ suite, fill out all the forms, answer all the questions, tell the nurse I have “white coat syndrome” so when my blood pressure is high I am not carted off to the ER. She laughed. Told me her husband was afflicted with the same syndrome and my told me my blood pressure was fine. Woohoo for me!

Doctor walks into room. We chat. She is nice. Reminds me of my beloved OB-GYNs back home. I like that feeling of comfortability. Then it happens. She does the breast exam. There is a lump in my right breast. Now I knew this already because I felt it for the first time 2 weeks ago. I had a hard time finding it again to show my husband and then it showed up again, so I figured it was no big deal. I mean how does something “come and go”. Apparently not so. She tells me I need a “diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound”. I get dressed, ready to leave and she gives me the paper to call “when I can, to schedule the appointment”.

Ok. I leave and call my daughter back who called as I was getting ready to leave the doctor. Choke up a bit, hang up because she doesn’t need to know my worry. I call my mom and BFF. They listen. They are kind and have empathy. I am not nearly 1 mile away from the doctor’s office, at the wine store btw- because this is a night for wine- when the hospital calls ME to schedule the appointment. What?! Why?! I don’t ask questions. I just schedule the appointment for the time she tells me. In my mind, I am freaking out. Last year when I had my “routine mammogram”, I called and made my own appointment. It was 2 1/2 months between my doctors appt and mammogram. This year, it’s a week.

When women get to a certain age, a lot of us have scares. I pray that the “scares” are nothing more than that. I pray that for others. I pray that for myself. When you have a “scare”, it forces you to think about things that you might have put off thinking about. As a parent, I have precautions set up for my children. But do I have enough? Have I made the right choices? How would my family function without me fully present? Moms run the house. My family not only relies on my career to help support us, but I am “the” person in my family. I know appts, schedules, routines, school issues, doctors’ appts, medical history, birthdays, important dates. I made holidays happen. I schedule playdates. I grocery shop for more than just pop tarts and hot dogs. All moms, in my experience, do these things. No matter how awesome the dad is.

Tonight I am worried. Tomorrow I will move on. Until next Wednesday when I allow myself the time to worry during the time of my appt- which of course I scheduled conveniently around my work schedule to the best of my ability- because a working moms’ gotta work. Then I will get on with life again. I have work, playdates to schedule, a birthday party to plan, a Costco run to make, and sh*t to do.