I am the mom you see in the store. The one you give a second look. Some of you look at me with an empathetic eye. Some of you look at me and wonder why I was ever allowed to have children. I am chasing after my kid. I am hollering in the store to find him. I am bribing him with some sort of treat so that he will stay nearby. I am the one with the red face, as if I have just come from the gym. I am the one who can’t find my keys as I rummage through my purse or even better, my sunglasses, as they are atop my head. You wonder “What happened to her?!” Some wonder that wanting to know how you can help. Some wonder that with judgment.

Now please let me introduce myself to you. I am a mom. I am the mom of an adult child. I am the mom of two younger children. I am the mom of a special needs child. I am the mom who worries every time her child leaves the house, with or without me. I am the mom who has to battle to control outbursts in public. I am the mom who is scared to death he has ran out of the store in a fit of rage that I won’t be able to find him. I am the mom who is desperate to not be judged as I grab him and hold on as well as I can. I am the mom who is red all over not only because a “simple” trip to the store is often times over-stimulating for him, but exhausting for me. My mind races with anxiety before we leave the house and my heart pounds when I am in the store. Am I able to control him today? Is he able to control himself today? How can I get through this trip without him melting down, never mind having it an enjoyable experience.

I am the mom that didn’t “sign up for this”, but “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”, right? Or “He choose you because He knew you could help a child like him”. I am the mom who hates hearing those things. This is my life. I don’t have a choice and I would not want another child, but man, some days can be tough.

I am the mom who will do everything in my power to raise all of my children the best way I know how. I am the mom who has to work full time to provide for my family and work full time to make sure that my son has everything he needs. I am the mom who is not afraid to ruffle feathers, but is heart broken when my child is some sort of “conundrum” to yet another professional. I am the mom who knows everything I can possibly know on the subject of my child’s disability because while everyone else is sleeping, I am researching, talking, emailing, gathering more information, reading everything I can, etc. I am the mom who will try everything possible, despite the cost, even though it financially straps my family constantly. I am the mom who puts on a happy face for the professionals and act grateful, because I am, but why can’t you see my pain? I’m standing in front of you , asking for you to communicate with me about him. I am the mom who will fight for everything he needs, but wonders why I even need to fight?

I am the mom who lays awake at night wondering what will happen to him if I am not here to protect him? I am the mom who lays awake at night scared about his future. I am the mom who wonders when other kids will start noticing the differences. I am the mom who lays awake at night knowing they already have- it’s the lack of playdate invites, lack of birthday party invitations, his report that he doesn’t have friends and is alone at recess. I am the mom laying awake at night wondering when he will notice that he is a “helper” at school because he needs help, not the reverse.

I am the mom who just wants to be “mom” some days, not mom of a special needs child. Just MOM. There are all sorts of moms- stay at home moms, working moms, biological moms, adoptive moms, foster moms, moms of medically fragile children, special needs moms, stage moms, cheer moms, moms of teenagers, girl moms, boy moms, sports moms, etc. We are all MOMS!

PS- I am bringing this to his IEP on Friday afternoon and request that all the professionals place it in a space that they will look at it often, as they “deal with” the parents they may think are asking too much, are annoying/demanding/frustrating to work with. I hope that you all share this with the professionals in your life as well.