Today is April 30th, the last day of Autism Awareness Month. I have opened up my thoughts, feelings, things that go on in our home on a regular basis- all to share how our family experiences Autism. Each family experiences Autism differently because each child with Autism is an individual.

Autism Awareness Month began as we were in the midst of IEP testing, medication issues which resulted in him being on no meds while we do a “wash out” and just at a very low point. On a daily basis we were being verbally abused and physically assaulted. We struggled with “simple” tasks such as getting dressed for school- or even just in general- to eating, to going on errands or even doing something fun. The anticipation of a fun activity could easily ruin the entire activity. We were exhausted. School was a struggle. His school has bent over backwards without being asked. They saw his needs were significant and stepped in to help him. He was given opportunities to use his strengths and decrease his stress/anxiety. We ran ourselves ragged doing doing doing. If we kept him busy enough, we would hopefully have a decent day.

As the month wore on, we met an amazing doctor. April 13th to be exact. She listened. A lot. She read reports that equaled close to 100 pages long. She understood our concerns with the medications that our previous doctor wanted to try him on. She had other ideas and took the time to explain our options in great detail. I am so grateful for her!

We had our IEP on April 14th. His school was open with their concerns, listening to our concerns and exploring options that suited him. I felt like they really heard everything I had to say and asked for. We came out of the IEP with a good plan for the next year- a plan that made him and us feel supported.

2 weeks after our appointment with our new doctor and we have seen such huge improvements! He plays at recess with other kids. He can tolerate doing some work. His meltdowns are shorter and not as large. He tells me about this day. He smiles. We went from the first picture to the second picture.

We have lots of challenges ahead of us still and we now have a team whom is in support of our needs and have a good understanding of him. Things may change and we are always aware that we need to change along with his needs. Right now I have a feeling of contentment. It’s a nice feeling to have.

He will always be “different” according to his teacher. I choose to use the word “unique”. Either way, we both acknowledge that he is an amazing bright kind caring gentle funny boy whom thrives when given the opportunity to live in HIS world. HIS world is filled with electronics, homemade pancakes, wanting to be at home, wanting to go go go all the time.

Autism does not just affect us for one month when we raise awareness for the general public. Autism is each and every day in our lives. I hope opening up and sharing our lives has been eye opening to some, validating to some, helping some with feeling as though they are not alone, and maybe even inspiring to some.

There is NO shame in sharing.

So today started out as a normal day. Got up, got ready, left for work. Got to work at the school- which is my most favorite day of the week (see I am a therapist and have always worked with at-risk kids, until recently when my career path took me in more of a “desk job”). Tuesdays I get to let my clinical skills run wild and enjoy the job I was born to do. Anywhooo… I left the school with time to get to my annual doctor’s appt. Super fun, yeah?!

I enter the building, which is brand-spanking new. I look at the directory to make sure I am going to the right suite when a gentlemen, whom I assumed worked in the building (at least I hope he worked there!) asked me if I was going to the “gyno doctor”. Well… yes sir I am. Thank you so much for inquiring. *He was actually super nice and was just helping, as he was trying to show another gentleman how to use the directory as it’s a fancy interactive kind*.

So I make my way to the doctors’ suite, fill out all the forms, answer all the questions, tell the nurse I have “white coat syndrome” so when my blood pressure is high I am not carted off to the ER. She laughed. Told me her husband was afflicted with the same syndrome and my told me my blood pressure was fine. Woohoo for me!

Doctor walks into room. We chat. She is nice. Reminds me of my beloved OB-GYNs back home. I like that feeling of comfortability. Then it happens. She does the breast exam. There is a lump in my right breast. Now I knew this already because I felt it for the first time 2 weeks ago. I had a hard time finding it again to show my husband and then it showed up again, so I figured it was no big deal. I mean how does something “come and go”. Apparently not so. She tells me I need a “diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound”. I get dressed, ready to leave and she gives me the paper to call “when I can, to schedule the appointment”.

Ok. I leave and call my daughter back who called as I was getting ready to leave the doctor. Choke up a bit, hang up because she doesn’t need to know my worry. I call my mom and BFF. They listen. They are kind and have empathy. I am not nearly 1 mile away from the doctor’s office, at the wine store btw- because this is a night for wine- when the hospital calls ME to schedule the appointment. What?! Why?! I don’t ask questions. I just schedule the appointment for the time she tells me. In my mind, I am freaking out. Last year when I had my “routine mammogram”, I called and made my own appointment. It was 2 1/2 months between my doctors appt and mammogram. This year, it’s a week.

When women get to a certain age, a lot of us have scares. I pray that the “scares” are nothing more than that. I pray that for others. I pray that for myself. When you have a “scare”, it forces you to think about things that you might have put off thinking about. As a parent, I have precautions set up for my children. But do I have enough? Have I made the right choices? How would my family function without me fully present? Moms run the house. My family not only relies on my career to help support us, but I am “the” person in my family. I know appts, schedules, routines, school issues, doctors’ appts, medical history, birthdays, important dates. I made holidays happen. I schedule playdates. I grocery shop for more than just pop tarts and hot dogs. All moms, in my experience, do these things. No matter how awesome the dad is.

Tonight I am worried. Tomorrow I will move on. Until next Wednesday when I allow myself the time to worry during the time of my appt- which of course I scheduled conveniently around my work schedule to the best of my ability- because a working moms’ gotta work. Then I will get on with life again. I have work, playdates to schedule, a birthday party to plan, a Costco run to make, and sh*t to do.

It’s a Monday!!!!! This means alarm set for 5am. Wake up and start that coffee brewing. Lunches made for kids. Lunch made for me. Try to make sure each lunch has some sort of healthy item. For the youngest, this means fruit. Easy peasy. For me this means fruit and Noosa— has anyone tried Noosa?! Oh my- you have to! It is so good and has lots of good things in it for your tummy! For my older son, this means I pretend that the carb loaded lunch I send him with is somewhat healthy- even if just for the fact that he’s eating. Listen to the news, find out what the weather will be like. Try to figure out what the loud boom was last night that had my little town in an uproar on the community Facebook pages. Try to resolve an argument with the Hubster, that will inevitably never be resolved and will infuriate me for longer than eternity. Think about taking a shower, but really don’t want to quite yet. Time to get the Dynamic Destructive Duo up. Who will be in a good mood this morning- that’s always a crap shoot. Break up the inevitable fight between two children who make up things to fight up- current fight “Don’t look at me!”

Head in to work… why oh why must I work?! I actually like my job. I like the people I work with. I like how busy I am when I am there. I just despise the commute. The commute makes it feel like I spend all day doing nothing but work. Leave by 7am, get home by 5:15pm.

Did I mention that I started birthday party planning for the Dynamic Destructive Duo?! We always do a joint birthday. This year I invited each of their entire classes, plus some. That has the potential to be over 50 kids. Please oh please may some people decline. Thinking about activities to do with 50 kids— water balloon fight!!!!! This time I got smart and bought that thing that would fill 100 water balloons at once. I hope this works! I really hope this works! Do you know how it feels to tie over 100 individual water balloons? I do and it’s not pleasant.

I am the mom you see in the store. The one you give a second look. Some of you look at me with an empathetic eye. Some of you look at me and wonder why I was ever allowed to have children. I am chasing after my kid. I am hollering in the store to find him. I am bribing him with some sort of treat so that he will stay nearby. I am the one with the red face, as if I have just come from the gym. I am the one who can’t find my keys as I rummage through my purse or even better, my sunglasses, as they are atop my head. You wonder “What happened to her?!” Some wonder that wanting to know how you can help. Some wonder that with judgment.

Now please let me introduce myself to you. I am a mom. I am the mom of an adult child. I am the mom of two younger children. I am the mom of a special needs child. I am the mom who worries every time her child leaves the house, with or without me. I am the mom who has to battle to control outbursts in public. I am the mom who is scared to death he has ran out of the store in a fit of rage that I won’t be able to find him. I am the mom who is desperate to not be judged as I grab him and hold on as well as I can. I am the mom who is red all over not only because a “simple” trip to the store is often times over-stimulating for him, but exhausting for me. My mind races with anxiety before we leave the house and my heart pounds when I am in the store. Am I able to control him today? Is he able to control himself today? How can I get through this trip without him melting down, never mind having it an enjoyable experience.

I am the mom that didn’t “sign up for this”, but “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”, right? Or “He choose you because He knew you could help a child like him”. I am the mom who hates hearing those things. This is my life. I don’t have a choice and I would not want another child, but man, some days can be tough.

I am the mom who will do everything in my power to raise all of my children the best way I know how. I am the mom who has to work full time to provide for my family and work full time to make sure that my son has everything he needs. I am the mom who is not afraid to ruffle feathers, but is heart broken when my child is some sort of “conundrum” to yet another professional. I am the mom who knows everything I can possibly know on the subject of my child’s disability because while everyone else is sleeping, I am researching, talking, emailing, gathering more information, reading everything I can, etc. I am the mom who will try everything possible, despite the cost, even though it financially straps my family constantly. I am the mom who puts on a happy face for the professionals and act grateful, because I am, but why can’t you see my pain? I’m standing in front of you , asking for you to communicate with me about him. I am the mom who will fight for everything he needs, but wonders why I even need to fight?

I am the mom who lays awake at night wondering what will happen to him if I am not here to protect him? I am the mom who lays awake at night scared about his future. I am the mom who wonders when other kids will start noticing the differences. I am the mom who lays awake at night knowing they already have- it’s the lack of playdate invites, lack of birthday party invitations, his report that he doesn’t have friends and is alone at recess. I am the mom laying awake at night wondering when he will notice that he is a “helper” at school because he needs help, not the reverse.

I am the mom who just wants to be “mom” some days, not mom of a special needs child. Just MOM. There are all sorts of moms- stay at home moms, working moms, biological moms, adoptive moms, foster moms, moms of medically fragile children, special needs moms, stage moms, cheer moms, moms of teenagers, girl moms, boy moms, sports moms, etc. We are all MOMS!

PS- I am bringing this to his IEP on Friday afternoon and request that all the professionals place it in a space that they will look at it often, as they “deal with” the parents they may think are asking too much, are annoying/demanding/frustrating to work with. I hope that you all share this with the professionals in your life as well.

Step 1: Wake up at 4:20am

Step 2: Make coffee

Step 3: Work out while watching you like that you DVR’d the night before and fell asleep before being to watch it

Step 4: Drink copious amounts of coffee while getting a glimpse of the morning news

Step 5: Put dinner in crockpot- love these miraculous inventions!

Step 6: Rush to get showered/dressed so you can run to the grocery store to buy a donut to bribe your kids because they hate going to daycare, especially extra early like today

Step 7: Upon arriving home from the store, holler at the kids that there are deer in your front yard and to quick get on their shoes/jackets so they can see— a ruse to get them in the car. I call this ‘smart mommy thinking’

Step 8: Realize you haven’t eaten breakfast, smell their donuts, but resist temptation.

Step 9: Drop off kids at daycare and head to Starbucks!!!!!

Step 10: Take just a minute to look at how beautiful it is when the snow is falling and everything is covered in white. Breathe in deep to relax on your drive into work because you know once you step through those doors, you won’t have time to enjoy the sights- except when you check the news right before you leave too what kind of commute your going to have on your way back home of course.